they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
