My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
