i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
