I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
