I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
