I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
