but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I pour the whiskey from now on
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
