And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
