So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
