genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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