A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
