How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
