I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
