my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
