He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
So gin and wine won't be happening again
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
