He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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