well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
