She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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