i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
