i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
