the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
