The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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