Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
