May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
