my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
