some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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