my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
