I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
