just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
