soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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