I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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