I wish my penis had an off switch
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
