I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
