you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
