??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
