Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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