Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
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