I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
