also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
