it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
