My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
