There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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