John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
