Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
