Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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