Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
