Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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