I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
