sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
