Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
