apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
