Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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