I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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